She’s Still Here

I had been having a moment, even a conversation where I said I miss the older version of myself. The fighter, the one who fights for peace but won’t run from conflict. In fact, had the understanding that sometimes fighting for peace meant being willing to strap up and go to battle. She looked up with such hope and expectation. She believed in the value she carried, and that she could somehow change the world.

But she hasn’t gone anywhere. This is a softer, quieter, more subtle version. I’ve always been reserved. But this woman hasn’t lost her fight; she carefully picks her battles choosing only to engage when it’s truly worth it and when there are spoils to win. Rather than being irritated and frustrated because she’s a version I don’t immediately recognize- the one I’m more familiar and comfortable with whose ways I know without further observation- I’ve learned to accept her, to make room, to appreciate and celebrate her rather than simply tolerating her presence until the other reappears. No. This woman has been through the hallways of life that looked to drain her of her essence, her voice, her choice. This woman has faced death more than once which is twice too many, and though she may feel battered and torn, she’s still standing while the experts look on wondering how? Why?

She didn’t just survive it. She carries dangling keys to unlock the freedom of others as well. “We’re all getting out”, she says. And she means it with every fiber of her being. Because woven into the fibers of her being are strengthen and faith that are often unmatched. She’s clothed with strength and dignity and laughs without fear of the future.

“The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-God. Give her everything she deserves! Adorn her life with praises!”

Proverbs 31:31 MSG